Humbling Narcissism

I was thinking about naming my blog The Humbled Narcissist, and this was to be the post explaining it.  It's been a crazy 3 weeks so let this post be a placeholder for awhile.

I’ve always had a major problem with narcissism.  Google search my name and one of the first hits that come up is an old facebook group based on my narcissism, created by one of my friends in college.  My favorite subject to draw or paint is myself.  My wife often chides me for preening in the mirror while we’re talking.  Honestly, I tend to think outside of the box on subjects that no one bothers to think outside the box on, mostly because I only care about things that no one else seems to care about.  So while I’m only an average student and a less than average responsible adult, I often end up feeling superior to other people because they’re much less intellectually developed in the impractical subjects I care about.  Honestly, I just love ME, how insanely quirky I am, and how I’m just soooo much more advanced than other people.  But since I’m so “advanced”, I’m also smart enough to know that I’m not actually better than people at all, thus I have tried to dampen my narcissism throughout the last decade with varying degrees of success.

I would say there were three key things in my life that have helped me keep my egotism in check.  Most importantly is my core belief system, which is essentially that no one can be 100% sure of any truth, no matter how objective it may seem.  This has been built up from a variety of sources over the years, from the conversation that led me to abandon organized religion a second time, to Dogma, to Rorschach’s defining moment of nihilism in Watchmen, to the closing monologue of Michael Crichton’s book The Lost World, to the famous “I think, therefore I am” statement by Rene Descartes.  So I try to always remind myself that while thought experiments are fun and are what makes us human, academic pursuits are essentially for shits and giggles and I should never take my life and my ideas too seriously.  Another moment of my life that helped to humble me was a discussion I had with a college friend who was much smarter and much more eccentric then me.  One day we were discussing rational debates, not actually having a debate mind you, but discussing the activity.  I was mentioning my trouble debating with people because I will often “clearly” be right and logical yet my opponent still won’t agree with me, which would then cause me lose it and start sarcastically becoming a strawman of my own argument out of spite.  He told me that it’s literally impossible to change someone’s mind in a debate.  The pride of most people is great enough that they will refuse to accept your opinion at that moment no matter how logical and objective you are.  At best, they will hear what you say and agree with you later in private, but it’s foolish to think they will ever change their mind on the spot.  He then made a funny face and bopped me on the nose.  What this crazy person said was right though, and truly affected the way I approached intellectual discussions from then on; I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to keep a cool head during discussions with even the most moronic people in recent years and treat them with the respect that their humanity demands.  Finally, what should have been the last nail in the coffin of my vanity was something my therapist told me (yes, I took advantage of the free therapy that most colleges offer at the behest of my then girlfriend now wife--- it wasn’t that life-changing but it was nice, I recommend it).  When I mentioned my problems with narcissism and how I just can’t stand it when people won’t convert to my “correct” way of thinking she told me “that’s not narcissism, that’s delusion.”  That hit me hard, and finally got me to start treating my own opinions as subjective.  After that discussed, I truly felt cured.  Aaaaaaand that lasted for about 4 months. 

See, I took a class on evolution my next semester, one that focused not only on its detailed mechanisms but on the social controversy it presents in America.  And while it cemented my love of evolutionary biology that my earlier courses had started, it also brought narcissism back into my life.  I mean really, is there a battle more black and white than between science and creationists?  Evolution is undisputable scientific fact, and creationists/intelligent designists are not only working off a faulty science and laughable religious dogma, but are actively trying to unethically and unconstitutionally trying to take science out of science class and insert religious philosophy.  They even have an organization with a conspiracy plan to gradually make this a Christian nation (the Discovery Institute and “The Wedge”, respectively) that rival a certain sci-fi based cult in sneaky, underhanded tactics (by the way, I’m not the type to believe in conspiracy theories, this shit is real and documented in the courts, look it up).  So while I did find a social cause for my life (protecting science in the classroom and teaching people evolutionary truth), my narcissism was sparked up again.  With such a seemingly objective “right” side to belong to, the possibility for objective truths was opened up again to me.  Since then I’ve been taking up study philosophy and trying to find some sort of one philosophy to live my life by.  Recently though I had an epiphany when I realized how far I’ve fallen back down the trap of thinking objectively.  I’m now in this state of trying to balance myself and my mind, between practicing nonattachment to any feeling of objective truths without becoming apathetic towards a quest for scientific and philosophical enlightenment.  It seems that a moderate stance is the best way to view most things in this world, from politics to philosophy.  However, I can’t seem to stay in that middle gray area, instead I just teeter back and forth between shortsighted textbook beliefs and the complete insanity of true solipsism.   How am I supposed to practice non-attachment without being apathetic?  I’ve been recommended to check out Daoism in regards to this, something I totally intend to do when I can stop playing Pokémon for two seconds.

Here’s an xkcd comic that encapsulates my dilemma in a nutshell.  All rights go to the great and glorious Randall Monroe at xkcd comics.

 The alt-text reads “’But you’re using that same tactic to try to feel superior to me too!’ ‘Sorry, that accusation expires after one use per conversation.’”

This is my problem!  I often feel superior to people because I’ll look at both sides of an argument, or I’ll feel superior because I know that a wise man knows that he knows nothing.  But then I’m just being smug again. A commenter in the forum post of this comic said it best: 

"My problem--and I'm guessing I'm not the only one--is that, no matter what the subject (religion, politics, philosophy) I always worry that I only believe what I believe in an attempt to feel superior to others, and when I catch myself doing that, I worry that I'm not really correcting myself, I'm just tricking myself into thinking that I'm correcting myself in order to feel even more superior. Then once I realize I'm in that cycle, I feel bad about feeling superior about getting myself out of the cycle.

Sorry if it seems like I'm just saying this to seem superior to everyone else, or if I'm just stating the obvious, but this is something that keeps me up at night. I should probably take a break from attempting to think about stuff, since I'm clearly not very good at it."

 How do I break this endless cycle of humbling narcissism?  I don’t know, but I hope to figure it out while I use this blog.