Synopsis of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker: Part 1

So knowing that I like Michael Jackson and his sweet dance skills, a friend let me borrow the 1988 Michael Jackson film "Moonwalker". A little background on my Michael Jackson fandom: it's not that intense. I was indifferent to the Prince of Pop until I got into 80's music my freshman year of college (I blame that entirely on playing GTA Vice City). In recent years my love for choreographed dancing has led to teach myself a couple of Jackson's moves, to point of getting my entire bridal party to do the Thriller dance at my wedding reception. But I've never been a big music geek, so I'm not that invested in Michael Jackson and I'm only aware of the major highlights of his personal history (Jackson Five, Bubbles the Chimp, creepily playing with stranger's children at his mansion, etc). So I'm about to go into this movie with only a cursory knowledge about Jackson and what this movie is going to be like. Here goes.

The movie actually opens with this, like a WB or TriStar opening animation would. I now want EVERY movie to start this way

It opens with a concert, specifically him singing “Man in the Mirror”. Shit, I hope this isn't just a bunch of concerts. The only artists that I can stand to just watch sing on stage for over an hour is Tenacious D. So this is a huge concert, with girls fainting and security guards carrying them out like he's Elvis or the Beatles. Which makes sense because he also had A+ talent and popularity at the peak of his career, but I thought girls stopped swooning and fainting at concerts sometime after the 60’s. Does this shit still happen? Do Bieber concerts turn out this way? Okay, what the fuck? Now it keeps cutting to clips of nuclear explosions, world leaders, and starving children. If I was an alien watching this with limited prior knowledge of humanity, I would assume that this man was a wizard who was using his singing to send women in hysterics, starve little African children, and remotely detonate nuclear explosions. But guess the vaguely progressive lyrics and images of famous peacekeepers mean he thinks he’s Ghandi/Teresa/JFK? Either way, I’m already feeling both confusion and mild terror, and we’re only 4 minutes in.

Okay, now we’re suddenly panning over memorabilia from Michael’s life and career while news clips about him play over him. Now it’s a sappy song. Now the TV showing the Thriller music video just turned into a spaceship and took off. Dear. God. Now we’re in a psychedelic claymation show starring the Jackson Five. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Is this part of a larger plot? Does this movie have a storyline? That’s it, I’m going to Wikipedia. Oh, so this is an anthology film, meaning it’s just a bunch of short films. Okay, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that we’re suddenly, inexplicitly watching HORDES OF RATS RUN AROUND IN THE SEWER. All set to the tune of “Ben”. According to Wikipedia this movie was the brainchild of MJ, he released it and helped write it. So the insanity I’m witnessing is a direct link into Jackson’s mind. Let’s keep that in mind. Now we’re rapidly moving into his post-Jackson Five career, so at least it’s great music, though it’s no less nonsensical and psychedelic. Wikipedia says this section is called Retrospective, and just shows clips of all his biggest hits up until his Bad World Tour in 1987. Somehow that simple, neutral explanation from Wikipedia doesn't prepare one for the onslaught of bizarre images that is currently molesting my eye sockets.

This image seriously
pops up randomly,
only to disappear
just as mysteriously.
Seriously, what the
fuck is happening?!?!!

We got 20 secs of Billie Jean shown on a random jukebox, then suddenly MJ is hugging E.T. to “State of Shock” while People magazine covers rush at the screen, to water droplets of a black church choir singing “We Are the World” fall from the sky.

I take it back,
"The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina"
had much better effects

Every once in a while it will just cut to a sane scene, like just showing the music video “Thriller” or “Beat It” unaltered, only to cut back to floating prisms and bad, Mikuru-beam-esque lighting bolt effects only 15 secs later. This entire section makes me feel like we’re witnessing the dream by a coked up VH1 employee who feel asleep while listening to Michael Jackson’s collected works while making a MJ-themed scrapbook. I can’t do this anymore; I need to take a break. I think I should start drinking right now. Heavily.






Come back next time for Part Two of my Moonwalker synopsis, where we witness MJ’s desire to become a child come to fruition, and we get to see waaaaaay too much more claymation.