If you missed it, make sure you read Part One and Two of my synopsis first
We finally reach the biggest short film of the movie, Smooth Criminal”. It’s a comparatively long story about MJ and some random orphan kids he plays with (yeaaaaaahhhh, um, no comment) stumbling upon the futuristic hideout of a drug lord played by Joe Pesci. That’s right, they got Joe Pesci to play a cheesy drug lord named Frankie “Mr. Big” LiDeo, which he doesn’t want you to forget since he takes the time to spell out his last name (“My name is gonna be in the history books! They better spell my name right. L-I-D-E-O. So simple! Frankie LiDeo! Very easy!”). This entire section is less psychedelic and nonsensical as it is just a bad movie from the 80’s. Still, there’s a plethora of WTF moments in this, because this is Moonwalker, which I’ve realized at this point is the ultimate coked-up brainchild of Michael Jackson. Let’s see, weird moments. Well, there’s the fact that MJ and the kids seem more terrified and disgusted of spider webs in a cave then actual drug dealing. There’s Mr. Big’s weird characterization; he’s obsessed with spiders and peanuts (???). His master plan is to get more customers by pushing drugs onto kids to get them hooked early, which makes sense, a solid drug dealer plan. But he comes about it the way an evil scientist bent on world domination would; he wants to rule the world with his drug-dealing-to-kids plan (which he calls “Bugs and Drugs” because…. He likes spiders?) and with his army of stormtroopers with laser beams. MJ, you do know that most drug dealers aren’t villains from a Robocop movie right? MJ and the kids get noticed snooping because the little girl screams at a spider and we cut to MJ dressed like a 1920’s era mobster outfit running around the city from Mr.Big’s henchmen. During the chase MJ TURNS INTO A FUCKING FLYING CAR, which looks less like a futuristic car then like a crappy Pinewood Derby car built by a lazy 2nd grader who just sandpapered a block of wood and spray painted it silver. Eventually he turns back into normal (? And define normal.) and enters a bar which kicks off an elaborate, 9 min long Smooth Criminal music video. The dancing and music is great of course, this is both one of the best Michael Jackson songs and music video, rivaling even Thriller. But the fact that this is framed by such a crazy shitty movie lessens the awesome significantly. For example, he ends the scene Scarface style, shooting up the bar with a machine gun. That is all. Afterwards, he has to rescue the girl from Mr. Big and his army, and does so by, wait for it, transforming into a robotic Michael Jackson that then transforms into a spaceship, destroying Mr. Big, his huge laser gun, and his drug cartel but launching volleys of missiles.It’s a bittersweet conclusion for the street urchins though, since the spaceship Jackson inexplicitly flew off into space at the end of the fight. But he inexplicitly returns moments later as a human so all is good and the forced drama is over with. Wow, what a terrible attempt at tension and emotion. I thought you gave up on making this a normal movie within the 5 minute mark MJ, don’t try to make it one now. He lets the kids come backstage to his next concert as a reward for getting emotionally manipulated by him (which I bet happened in real life a lot too). The song is a cover of “Come Together”, which honestly sucks pretty bad. We then hit the credits, which consist of Ladysmith Black Mambazo singing an original song for the movie. Why? Who the fuck really knows at this point.
So there we have it. It makes perfect sense really if you look at it as a brainchild of an overstressed, probably over medicated, definitely a little nuts pop star at the height of his fame. Still, I’m a little shaken up, and not just because I just watched the fever dreams of a madman for 93 min. You really get a glimpse into MJ’s psychology through the movie, and it shows me that he was vain, had nothing but contempt for his fans, really liked orphan kids, and had no concept of a coherent story. I’m going to go drink some drain cleaner now and hopefully erase the memory of this movie so I don’t cringe every time I moonwalk at a dance party. Hoped you liked my synopsis, thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label michael jackson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label michael jackson. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Synopsis of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker: Part 2
If you missed it, make sure you read Part One of my synopsis first
Suddenly the Retrospective short film ends without any warning and the next section, “Badder”. I really wish the film would stick up title cards between the short films to indicate what’s happening, or at least cut to black for 5 seconds. Instead their idea of a transition is cutting directly from the chorus line of “Dirty Diana” at a concert to the action-heavy opening of the “Bad” music video. At first I just assumed that the Retrospective part was still going on, but then something weird happens. Well, the whole thing’s been pretty weird so far, but this is still pretty unusual. Within the first 5 seconds of the “Bad” video, Michael Jackson, his dancers, and the punks he’s dancing off against in the parking garage become children. AS IN, 10 YEARS OLD. The original Bad music video is weird enough, and replacing the cast with kids just leaves even more pressing questions. Like, what exactly, is the central conflict about here? What are these kids doing in the middle of an abandoned parking garage unsupervised? Why does that one dancer have a painted-on five o’clock shadow? Also, WHY ARE THEY KIDS AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!! Actually, this scene is really fun. The kid playing Michael is really funny, not only at the start and end of the song when he sticks out his tongue at his enemies and leads his crew in a schoolyard chant against them, but when he goes in for the patented Michael Jackson crotch grab he hurts himself and makes a face reminiscent of the Three Stooges. Ah, classic nut-shot joke (though it is a little creepy when it happens to a kid). It’s also a little creepy that MJ is replacing himself with a child here since while he was alive at best he constantly tried to escape to a childish fantasy world to make up for his lost childhood, and at worst, well, you know. Regardless, the MJ kid, Brandon Quintin Adams, is really talented at playing MJ and apparently went on to be one of the Mighty Ducks. So this film wraps up after kid MJ and his adversary have a literal slap fight, and then they sort of make amends? I can’t really tell.
Suddenly we cut to a studio lot where we see a tourist bus, filled with creepy claymation fans. We cut back to MJ and his bodyguards, STILL KIDS FOR SOME REASON, leaving the set while talking about Bubbles the chimp and banana cream pie. As soon as they step outside through some magic smoke they turn back into adults which a guard literally dismisses as “movie stuff, sir” when questioned about it. A little claymation boy with a vague foreign accent sees MJ and stammers to his claymation grandmother: “It’s Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!”
The two let out a blood curdling scream and their eyes become huge dark abysses of evil, their curling lips revealing clay fangs. I want to make it clear just how frightening this is. This is the creepiest thing I’ve seen in claymation since that Mark Twain "Mysterious Stranger" short film (look it up on youtube). Apparently this is how Michael Jackson views all his fans and paparazzi, because this film, “Speed Demon”, and the next, “Leave Me Alone” all revolve around him escaping from his psychotic, moronic fans. At one point MJ hides behind a mini Statue of Liberty which tells him “Land of the Free, home of the weird”. I pretty sure this is evident that Michael Jackson looks down on the rest of us normal people (I mean *looked* down. Zing!). The studio lot chase leads MJ to a costume warehouse where he puts on a rabbit mascot head, transforming him into claymation-rabbit-furry Michael Jackson. He’s able to slip past the claymation freaks guarding the door even though they saw him go in and he moonwalks past them, yet as soon as he’s escaping on a motorcycle everyone else notices it’s him and gives chase through the city, river, and sky. During this part MJ transforms into Sylvester Stallone, Tina Turner, and Pee-Wee Herman. Why? Because, FUCK, that’s why. Eventually he’s able to cause his pursuers to crash and he drives into Road Runner land. He takes off his costume which immediately becomes self-aware, and has a dance off against the claymation rabbit on the abandoned desert road. This is only stopped when a traffic cop stops him and gives him a ticket for dancing. The rabbit disappears and MJ says “But I was just dancing with my friend Spike, he was right here! Spike, where are you?” Why does the animated bunny have a name suddenly? Why is there a no dancing sign in the middle of the desert? These are just more questions that will never be answered as we cut to the next film, which is just a music video for “Leave Me Alone” which consists of MJ on a rollercoaster with live action dogs in business suits through a creepy stop motion land of magazine cut outs, classic movie scenes, and MORE CLAYMATION. It’s like if the art style Monty Python’s Flying Circus had a bad acid trip. This part is terrifying, and I’ve given up on it.
Don’t miss Part Three of my Moonwalker synopsis, where we hit the main narrative (sort of) and finale.
Suddenly the Retrospective short film ends without any warning and the next section, “Badder”. I really wish the film would stick up title cards between the short films to indicate what’s happening, or at least cut to black for 5 seconds. Instead their idea of a transition is cutting directly from the chorus line of “Dirty Diana” at a concert to the action-heavy opening of the “Bad” music video. At first I just assumed that the Retrospective part was still going on, but then something weird happens. Well, the whole thing’s been pretty weird so far, but this is still pretty unusual. Within the first 5 seconds of the “Bad” video, Michael Jackson, his dancers, and the punks he’s dancing off against in the parking garage become children. AS IN, 10 YEARS OLD. The original Bad music video is weird enough, and replacing the cast with kids just leaves even more pressing questions. Like, what exactly, is the central conflict about here? What are these kids doing in the middle of an abandoned parking garage unsupervised? Why does that one dancer have a painted-on five o’clock shadow? Also, WHY ARE THEY KIDS AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!! Actually, this scene is really fun. The kid playing Michael is really funny, not only at the start and end of the song when he sticks out his tongue at his enemies and leads his crew in a schoolyard chant against them, but when he goes in for the patented Michael Jackson crotch grab he hurts himself and makes a face reminiscent of the Three Stooges. Ah, classic nut-shot joke (though it is a little creepy when it happens to a kid). It’s also a little creepy that MJ is replacing himself with a child here since while he was alive at best he constantly tried to escape to a childish fantasy world to make up for his lost childhood, and at worst, well, you know. Regardless, the MJ kid, Brandon Quintin Adams, is really talented at playing MJ and apparently went on to be one of the Mighty Ducks. So this film wraps up after kid MJ and his adversary have a literal slap fight, and then they sort of make amends? I can’t really tell.
Suddenly we cut to a studio lot where we see a tourist bus, filled with creepy claymation fans. We cut back to MJ and his bodyguards, STILL KIDS FOR SOME REASON, leaving the set while talking about Bubbles the chimp and banana cream pie. As soon as they step outside through some magic smoke they turn back into adults which a guard literally dismisses as “movie stuff, sir” when questioned about it. A little claymation boy with a vague foreign accent sees MJ and stammers to his claymation grandmother: “It’s Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!”
The two let out a blood curdling scream and their eyes become huge dark abysses of evil, their curling lips revealing clay fangs. I want to make it clear just how frightening this is. This is the creepiest thing I’ve seen in claymation since that Mark Twain "Mysterious Stranger" short film (look it up on youtube). Apparently this is how Michael Jackson views all his fans and paparazzi, because this film, “Speed Demon”, and the next, “Leave Me Alone” all revolve around him escaping from his psychotic, moronic fans. At one point MJ hides behind a mini Statue of Liberty which tells him “Land of the Free, home of the weird”. I pretty sure this is evident that Michael Jackson looks down on the rest of us normal people (I mean *looked* down. Zing!). The studio lot chase leads MJ to a costume warehouse where he puts on a rabbit mascot head, transforming him into claymation-rabbit-furry Michael Jackson. He’s able to slip past the claymation freaks guarding the door even though they saw him go in and he moonwalks past them, yet as soon as he’s escaping on a motorcycle everyone else notices it’s him and gives chase through the city, river, and sky. During this part MJ transforms into Sylvester Stallone, Tina Turner, and Pee-Wee Herman. Why? Because, FUCK, that’s why. Eventually he’s able to cause his pursuers to crash and he drives into Road Runner land. He takes off his costume which immediately becomes self-aware, and has a dance off against the claymation rabbit on the abandoned desert road. This is only stopped when a traffic cop stops him and gives him a ticket for dancing. The rabbit disappears and MJ says “But I was just dancing with my friend Spike, he was right here! Spike, where are you?” Why does the animated bunny have a name suddenly? Why is there a no dancing sign in the middle of the desert? These are just more questions that will never be answered as we cut to the next film, which is just a music video for “Leave Me Alone” which consists of MJ on a rollercoaster with live action dogs in business suits through a creepy stop motion land of magazine cut outs, classic movie scenes, and MORE CLAYMATION. It’s like if the art style Monty Python’s Flying Circus had a bad acid trip. This part is terrifying, and I’ve given up on it.
Don’t miss Part Three of my Moonwalker synopsis, where we hit the main narrative (sort of) and finale.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Synopsis of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker: Part 1
So knowing that I like Michael Jackson and his sweet dance skills, a friend let me borrow the 1988 Michael Jackson film "Moonwalker". A little background on my Michael Jackson fandom: it's not that intense. I was indifferent to the Prince of Pop until I got into 80's music my freshman year of college (I blame that entirely on playing GTA Vice City). In recent years my love for choreographed dancing has led to teach myself a couple of Jackson's moves, to point of getting my entire bridal party to do the Thriller dance at my wedding reception. But I've never been a big music geek, so I'm not that invested in Michael Jackson and I'm only aware of the major highlights of his personal history (Jackson Five, Bubbles the Chimp, creepily playing with stranger's children at his mansion, etc). So I'm about to go into this movie with only a cursory knowledge about Jackson and what this movie is going to be like. Here goes.It opens with a concert, specifically him singing “Man in the Mirror”. Shit, I hope this isn't just a bunch of concerts. The only artists that I can stand to just watch sing on stage for over an hour is Tenacious D. So this is a huge concert, with girls fainting and security guards carrying them out like he's Elvis or the Beatles. Which makes sense because he also had A+ talent and popularity at the peak of his career, but I thought girls stopped swooning and fainting at concerts sometime after the 60’s. Does this shit still happen? Do Bieber concerts turn out this way? Okay, what the fuck? Now it keeps cutting to clips of nuclear explosions, world leaders, and starving children. If I was an alien watching this with limited prior knowledge of humanity, I would assume that this man was a wizard who was using his singing to send women in hysterics, starve little African children, and remotely detonate nuclear explosions. But guess the vaguely progressive lyrics and images of famous peacekeepers mean he thinks he’s Ghandi/Teresa/JFK? Either way, I’m already feeling both confusion and mild terror, and we’re only 4 minutes in.
Okay, now we’re suddenly panning over memorabilia from Michael’s life and career while news clips about him play over him. Now it’s a sappy song. Now the TV showing the Thriller music video just turned into a spaceship and took off. Dear. God. Now we’re in a psychedelic claymation show starring the Jackson Five. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Is this part of a larger plot? Does this movie have a storyline? That’s it, I’m going to Wikipedia. Oh, so this is an anthology film, meaning it’s just a bunch of short films. Okay, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that we’re suddenly, inexplicitly watching HORDES OF RATS RUN AROUND IN THE SEWER. All set to the tune of “Ben”. According to Wikipedia this movie was the brainchild of MJ, he released it and helped write it. So the insanity I’m witnessing is a direct link into Jackson’s mind. Let’s keep that in mind. Now we’re rapidly moving into his post-Jackson Five career, so at least it’s great music, though it’s no less nonsensical and psychedelic. Wikipedia says this section is called Retrospective, and just shows clips of all his biggest hits up until his Bad World Tour in 1987. Somehow that simple, neutral explanation from Wikipedia doesn't prepare one for the onslaught of bizarre images that is currently molesting my eye sockets. We got 20 secs of Billie Jean shown on a random jukebox, then suddenly MJ is hugging E.T. to “State of Shock” while People magazine covers rush at the screen, to water droplets of a black church choir singing “We Are the World” fall from the sky.
Every once in a while it will just cut to a sane scene, like just showing the music video “Thriller” or “Beat It” unaltered, only to cut back to floating prisms and bad, Mikuru-beam-esque lighting bolt effects only 15 secs later. This entire section makes me feel like we’re witnessing the dream by a coked up VH1 employee who feel asleep while listening to Michael Jackson’s collected works while making a MJ-themed scrapbook. I can’t do this anymore; I need to take a break. I think I should start drinking right now. Heavily.
Come back next time for Part Two of my Moonwalker synopsis, where we witness MJ’s desire to become a child come to fruition, and we get to see waaaaaay too much more claymation.
Okay, now we’re suddenly panning over memorabilia from Michael’s life and career while news clips about him play over him. Now it’s a sappy song. Now the TV showing the Thriller music video just turned into a spaceship and took off. Dear. God. Now we’re in a psychedelic claymation show starring the Jackson Five. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Is this part of a larger plot? Does this movie have a storyline? That’s it, I’m going to Wikipedia. Oh, so this is an anthology film, meaning it’s just a bunch of short films. Okay, that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that we’re suddenly, inexplicitly watching HORDES OF RATS RUN AROUND IN THE SEWER. All set to the tune of “Ben”. According to Wikipedia this movie was the brainchild of MJ, he released it and helped write it. So the insanity I’m witnessing is a direct link into Jackson’s mind. Let’s keep that in mind. Now we’re rapidly moving into his post-Jackson Five career, so at least it’s great music, though it’s no less nonsensical and psychedelic. Wikipedia says this section is called Retrospective, and just shows clips of all his biggest hits up until his Bad World Tour in 1987. Somehow that simple, neutral explanation from Wikipedia doesn't prepare one for the onslaught of bizarre images that is currently molesting my eye sockets. We got 20 secs of Billie Jean shown on a random jukebox, then suddenly MJ is hugging E.T. to “State of Shock” while People magazine covers rush at the screen, to water droplets of a black church choir singing “We Are the World” fall from the sky.
Every once in a while it will just cut to a sane scene, like just showing the music video “Thriller” or “Beat It” unaltered, only to cut back to floating prisms and bad, Mikuru-beam-esque lighting bolt effects only 15 secs later. This entire section makes me feel like we’re witnessing the dream by a coked up VH1 employee who feel asleep while listening to Michael Jackson’s collected works while making a MJ-themed scrapbook. I can’t do this anymore; I need to take a break. I think I should start drinking right now. Heavily.
Come back next time for Part Two of my Moonwalker synopsis, where we witness MJ’s desire to become a child come to fruition, and we get to see waaaaaay too much more claymation.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)